Moving Out

[catherinelou]

Hi everyone. I'm new to the site. My boyfriend has Spina Bifida and we plan to move in together and get married. He's only lived with his mom up til now. I'm worried that the tie between the two of them may interfere with our relationship. I love his mom, but she tends to be overprotective which I understand. But he's 26 and I'm 25. I'm worried he may have motherly expectations from me. Maybe I'm being paranoid, but I'm a bit concerned. I love him and there's no way I would ever leave him. Any advice to ease my worries?

[Dodger67]

Live far enough from mother so that its not easy for her to visit too often.
You need to discuss your worries with him.

[brennachu]

Hi everyone. I'm new to the site. My boyfriend has Spina Bifida and we plan to move in together and get married. He's only lived with his mom up til now. I'm worried that the tie between the two of them may interfere with our relationship. I love his mom, but she tends to be overprotective which I understand. But he's 26 and I'm 25. I'm worried he may have motherly expectations from me. Maybe I'm being paranoid, but I'm a bit concerned. I love him and there's no way I would ever leave him. Any advice to ease my worries?

Hello! I'm so new here, but I'm in New Zealand. Name's Brenda (or Brenna) My boyfriend Jamie is 32 (acts like a flippin' kid tho) and he's the one with SB. His mother is so funny. She's overprotective. I even had here watch Finding Nemo and hinted at the overprotective side of her. :)

I'm 26 and I love Jamie to bits and his mother gets on my nerves sometimes, but we just let her help if she absolutely wants to. We've had to say a few times, "look, we got it. We can handle it." But, something about being a mother to a son w/ a disability, you've got to look at it from her point of view. She's probably fought tooth and nail to keep him well and alive and happy, and it's been 2 years now, and she's slowly letting go. Don't freak out if she wants to help. It's just a transitioning period for her as well as your boyfriend. I hope that helps! Good luck!! :D

[angel]

In my opnion you need to talk with both of them. He is 26 so he is a grown man in a grown up relationship. She has done her job as far as raising him and as every other mother in the world must do she has to let go and let him fly!!!! I have met a lot of mothers that are under the impression that because the child is disabled that they are to be involved in every aspect of their lives forever. This is simply not the case. It is time to let go and let him live his life his way. If he is hanging on to her you need to be honest and talk to him about it. If she interferes to much you will have to bring it to her attention if you want it to stop. If she lets go of him she will probably be surprised at just how capable he is of leading his own life.

[tommy1303673]

My advice is: DONT DO IT.

Ive been divorced now for nearly 3 years now, my ex wifes mother came around to our house almost every day for 7 years , and we ended up hating each other.

Her parents ended up moving to another part of the country, and you know what, she went with them, she chose her family over me.

I am never getting married again, its not worth the grief.

But its your choice, if he makes you happy, do it, but if you dont want the extra baggage......RUNNNNNNNNNN.

[pats]

I am new member, mother of 38 year old spina bifida male. He has lived on his own before. Many people took advantage, ran up phone bills, borrowed what little money, etc. I have spent my life trying to see that he lives as well as he can. It is very hard to turn loose of something you have devoted your whole life too. He has had girlfreinds, engaged once(she died before they could be married) We just bring them into the family and share. They think I am overprotective, too, but it is doable!!! I want my son to be happy and experience life to the fullest! He has just been hospitalized, but has a new apartment waiting for when he is able to be on his own. I would certainly be happy to answer any questions I can. I try to be reasonable and not overbearing, but know that sometimes I am. Just express my love and talk things out. My son certainly lets me know when he thinks I am out of line, but then he is emotionally dependant on me too because I am the one who has always been there for him.

[angel]

Hi Pats,

I think those are life lessons we all learn at one time or another people taking advantage of you. I know i have been there mostly in my teen years right after i got control of my own money. It didn't last long before i put a stop to it. I understand where you would think it is hard to let go of someone you have devoted your whole life to. What i try to tell parents is this is our life. It belongs to us and when we are grown it is time for us to fly and do for ourselves. We will stumble, we will fall, and we will probably crash and burn a few times just like everyone else. We will never learn to be strong if we are constantly rescued we will always be dependant be it physically, emotionally or financially on someone else and that just isn't fair to us.
I have a son that has SBO. I have SB myleo L4/L5. I know what it is like to worry about your child. If they will handle the other things they need to handle on their own like the bladder issues etc...... I have to suck it up and just let him go, make his mistakes and grow from them. When he is 18 I will send him off to college and hope that he learned some of what i have tried to teach him. It won't be easy it is never easy for anyone when they are starting out on thier own weather or not they have a disability. I have already set the rules for myself when he moves out. No interfearing in anyway at all and i can't bail him out if he has trouble paying his bills. If he does without a phone or cable tv it won't kill him. I am setting my rules now because i know when time gets here i won't be as clear about it. I jsut want to make sure that he has everything he wanted. My mom did the same thing for me. And she got it.

Angel

Angel

[LisaJoy]

Pats,

Welcome to the SB Connection! And please -- tell your son about this site and encourage him to join when he gets out of the hospital.

By the way -- the thread that you responded to here was last active six months ago, so others may not pick up on the fact that you are new here. Why don't you go to the "New Members" section and start a new thread to introduce yourself? That way you won't be overlooked!

Again, welcome, and let your son know that we look forward to meeting him.

Lisa

[Dodger67]

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.

And he said:

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The Archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the Archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet (1923).

[Gymp]

Interesting verse Dodger!

You can only be taken advantage of if you let them...

I believe most guys have have a strong relationship with their mothers and that's okay.Their comes a time to cut the cord and to get out and be totally independent.You can ask advice of your parents but you can't go back.One day parents/mother's will die and you've gotta be able to live on your own with no help from anybody,it's the law of nature.

My wife and I have no problems with our parents.My wife likes me Ma,me Dad's been dead for 18 years and she never got a chance to meet him,we've been together for 13 years.I get on well with the wife's parents and nobody lives out of anybody's pockets either.We all have opinions and we all listen to them but it's the wife and I who make up our minds as to what's best for us.

Gymp

[ollieholmes]

Interesting reading here. As i have said before i am having terrible problems with my partners mum at the moment. So much so she will not talk to me. Everything with her is one way. I have tried to sit and talk to her but i get nothing and this is driving both of us mad.

Im not saying her mum shouldnt worry or be protective or anything. Thats absoloutly fine by me and totaly understandable. I dont doubt for one second its been hard for her to bring her up. I dont doubt that something that happened a few years back makes her worry. But i just wish she woul give me a chance.

My parnters dad is the total opposite. He is the most lovely guy ive ever met. My own dad passed away when i was 13 and i almost feel like ive got a kind of replacement now. I know i cannot ever replace my dad but theres a certain bond that we are building between us. He gave me 5 mins and realised im a lovely guy and is fine with that now. I have tried asking him to talk to her mum but he has as much luck as me.

So far in 13 months of us being together she has come up with one reason for not liking me. Aparently i walk funny, hmm thats a new one on me. That does not wash with me for a reason. I think shes just nit picking.

:sign0013: for getting on my sopabox and going off on one but this topic has been full of good advice so far and im hoping others can offer suggestions.

[Gymp]

Hi Ollie...
Your halfway there!!!You've succeeded in winning over her father, which to me is the hardest half.Keep at it and don't give up,hopefully her mom,over time,will see how well you treat your partner and that your partner is happy as well and accept you having a relationship with her baby girl.

Good things don't come easy try and try again,maybe even show up with a little gift for her Mom.

Best of Luck Ollie!
Gymp

[angel]

Ollie,

I have been where you are. Where one or both of a boyfriend's parents thought they could do much better than me! Sometimes you just have to go on about your business and ignore them all. If you and your significant other are happy then that is all that matters. Sidenote on the boyfriends. They never did do any better lol!!

My MIL didn't like me much at all for a long time and let me say i think it had nothing to do with the SB and everything to do with the fact that no one was good enough to marry her son. Things are better now just took a couple years.

Angel

[ollieholmes]

Cheers guys. Its nice to know im not the only one in this situation.

[naomi6896]

Cheers guys. Its nice to know im not the only one in this situation.

Hi Ollie,
do you have SB?
just wondering but really don't look back..............I have been married for 16 years and mother of three my mother in law still doesn't like me but you know what I AM NOT going anywhere I love my family and she will have to adjust I have tried till I was blue in the face my husband sees the effort and understands that sometimes you can't make someone like you.......we are happy and we love each other and that has to be enough. I truly believe that if a person can love your child unconditionally then that is all that matters.........you should share in their joy instead of impede it. My son is twelve and has SB and when he falls in love I will love that person because they will know what I a treasure I have.................my son is AWESOME and who loves him will be awesome too..................good luck and don't give up!!!!! :dance2:

[ollieholmes]

Hi Ollie,
do you have SB?

Hey,
No i dont have SB. I do have Aspergers Syndrome though.