any other single moms w spina bifida?

[lolathechecker]

so it looks like my husband has bailed on me. now im really freaked out about this whole single mother thing. are any of you guys single moms? or divorced? how much harder does that make it going through it alone?

P.S. that asshole had the audacityto say "i dont want to have a screwed up kid" can you believe that!? sorry. im still venting

[angel]

Hey I have spina bifida and i have told you guys a little about my son. I raised him by myself from day one till a week before his 8th birthday. You are strong i am sure you can do it!!!!
I actually can believe what he said. My son's dad took off way before he was born. He didn't want anyone to know he got the "little handicapped girl pregnant" he was afraid that people would think badly of him. He actually called when my son was about 4 months old and wanted to know all about him. All the good stuff his hair, his eyes, all that he got from him. When i started to tell him about my son's condition he said and i quote "you bitch i told you not to have him" and hung up on me!!!!!!!!!! Thank god all men aren't the same.
If you need a little more encouragement my mom raised me and my brother and sister (i am the only one with SB) alone my entire life (daddy left when i was an infant). It can be done and it can be done well. I am sure we will all be here for you in everyway possible!!!

angel

[Dodger67]

Don't let the asshole get away from his responsibilities!
Make sure you get every cent of financial support thats due!

[Spokie]

Our story is the same, and different. In our case, it's the mom that disappeared off the scene! She left when N was 3 (he has SB) and his plain baby brother was 6mnths. It's 5 years later, and we're still alive and kicking!

As Dodger said: make sure he pays! I made that mistake - thinking it's better to not try and "keep her in the loop" after she deserted them. But the extra cash could have made their lives a little more comfortable...

Anyway - it's times like these when you get to know who your real friends are - and they do assist a lot: even with just a phone call, chats, or baby sitting on those I-need-to-get-out-days. Granny's an angel and helps out where she can.

And you have over 200 friends right here!!

[kali]

must be very hard raising your child by yourself, but your child is probably better off with out the parent who left. You guys are doing a great job...hugggssss as spokie said we are all here for you

[mommy2cnj]

Just remember .... WE are the ones who reap the rewards/benefits. The smiles, the hugs, the reward of seeing something accomplished even if it took a year to do so (and if you ask me, that's even MORE rewarding), your child looking into your eyes and saying "I love you" (and gosh dangit, that one gets me every time hehehe), seeing your child gaining independence on a day-by-day basis, you all know what I'm talking about. We've had rough times here, but oh, what I wouldn't do for these rewards/benefits/things that some individuals never know. Once you think of even ONE of these things, it's makes you go on.....even stronger than before. Some people just aren't as blessed as we are, are they??!!

[angel]

I agree about the child support. I went after it although i never really saw any all these years. He owes me so many thousands of dollars it is unreal. Now he wants to write him off and let my husband adopt him. Of course the conditions are that i pay for it all and that i forgive the arrears!! I haven't decided but i probably will go for it. At least this way i know if something happens to me that my son will be taken care of, taken to the doctor, by someone who understands his condition and cares about his health.

[lolathechecker]

this is quoted from the email i sent him:

you can just stay down there and im not gonna hold it against you. if you are so concerned about what people think then you can tell them i ran off on you or whatever makes you feel better. tell them im a complete bitch and im not letting you see your baby. it doesnt matter to me. i can take care of this baby alone, and you can go on to have normal kids somewhere else with someone whos not "a bitch" im not going to ask you for child support or anything. you are obviously more concerned about trivial things with this baby anyways. who cares if she never walks? she wont care. ive seen some of these kids and they are perfectly happy in their wheelchairs and ive talked to some adults who told me you cant miss doing something you've never done. so what does that matter? and shes not going to be retarded, so its a good thing that we did keep her. but if you dont want her, then i can just keep her and we can pretend none of this ever happened.

he says he feels like he has to come up here because people will think hes an asshole for running off on his kid. he's in south texas and im in northeastern oklahoma. he has been "trying" to come up here for four months.

[angel]

no offense intended but he is an asshole for walking out on you and his kid furthermore that is the LAMEST excuse i have ever heard. What does it matter if the kid can walk or not is he not grown up enough to handle it? As for the "normal" kids SB can be genetic as we all know it can also be enviornmental but one thing i do know is EVERY WOMAN OF CHILD BARING AGE is at risk of having a child with SB. There is nothing wrong with you or your baby. He might want to take a trip to a genetisist (sp)

[Dodger67]

"people will think hes an asshole for running off on his kid"

Well he really doesn't have to worry about that as far as the members of this forum are concerned.

We definitely don't think he is an asshole.

We know he is an asshole!

[lolathechecker]

thank you guys. i have come to the conclusion that i dont need some one who is so concerned about such trivial things. he told me "i cant just push this kid off on you" and i told him shes better off with NO father than a father that never really wanted her. he disagreed with me of course, but he disagrees with everything ive done. he has even tried to blame me for "her condition" because i drink coffee. i drink maybe a cup a week! not that much, and he also told me it was my fault because i drank alcohol once before i knew was pregnant. i know better than that. im not stupid, spina bifida has nothing to do with alcohol!
but he has been so childish about this whole thing and ive decided that im just going to let go completely and stop answering his phone calls, emails, etc.

[lolathechecker]

He didn't want anyone to know he got the "little handicapped girl pregnant" he was afraid that people would think badly of him. He actually called when my son was about 4 months old and wanted to know all about him. All the good stuff his hair, his eyes, all that he got from him. When i started to tell him about my son's condition he said and i quote "you bitch i told you not to have him" and hung up on me!!!!!!!!!! angel

thats exactly how he has been behaving towards me.

[angel]

parents are absoultly the KEY to a child's mental health. I was with my son in the hospital and was outside when i was talking to a man who's daughter has sb and she was in the hospital. Anyway he looked at my hand and in total amaizement said YOUR MARRIED!!!! I said yeah. He said I can't believe you actually found someone to marry you. I was not insulted i get crap comments like this all the time what did bother me was HIS DAUGHTER HAS IT and she was only 10 years old. The only thing i could think of to say was please tell me you don't say things like that to your daughter. If you do she doesn't stand a chance!!!! There is enough negative that goes along with sb kids need parents that focus on all the positive aspects of thier lives and not the negative. If the parents do this then the kids will grow up thinking hey this isn't so bad no reason not to go out and conqure the world!!!!

[kali]

hi angel, I cant believe that man said that to you and he has a daughter with sb. things like that hit deep. to be honest when I look at my son, I wonder why people think its such a horrible thing sb. a person who cannot walk. so what! a person who has bladder and bowel problems...so what...those are not the things that make a person. engrave this into your child, and he will grow up thinking he is no different, it will give him the confidence to become what ever he wants. my son wants to be as doctor...good for you., I tell him to reach for your dreams you can do it. yesterday he brought his report card home (he is in grade 3) his report card average was 97% top of his class. dont mean to brag, but I am so proud of him. smiles

[angel]

I totally agree. My mother never let my sb define me or what i could be or what or who i could have. I grew up believing i am no different and deserve exactly what i want but i was also given the understanding that i have to work for it just like anyone else. I am married to a wonderful man he is not disabled. When i told him about the incident i spoke of in that earlier post he said "I just don't see what the big deal is" He truly doesn't see what the big deal is he sees me and that is it.
My son wants to be an astronemer (i can't spell lol) and has wanted to be for years. We have fed this desire and i hope that he does continue. He already knows that he is going to college. I am pushing that one because as my mom told me when you get 18 it is time to fly on your own!!!! He also brought home a good report card. He always has. Now we are entering the teen phase i hope it continues.

[kali]

You sound like an awesome mother!! I also believe in pushing my son towards his dreams. but they must work hard just as everyone else. so happy you have a great husband. sometimes men just are not as emotional as us women. huggsss, as for me I understood how you felt. I pray my son when he grows up he also will find love and marriage, I cant imagine how the girls will resist his charm and glowing personality...ha and lol, now I am bragging again. my son means the world to me!!!

[angel]

Tell that boy to shoot for the stars i doubt the girls will be able to resist him :D

[Spokie]

...now I am bragging again. my son means the world to me!!!

We as parents just can't help it, can we?

I've seen the same thing being said in more than one thread. We are proud of them!! Everything they accomplish, no matter the time frame, is another step forward, one step closer to their being independent one day. They have this way of finding a special spot in your heart, and not just in their parents', but everyone they meet!

So,

To all the single-parents of children with SB: We are the lucky ones! The runaways will never understand or know what they're missing out on!!!

[kali]

spokie ...you made me start crying like a baby! your words expressed my exact feelings. we are so proud of our children especially when we see them climb mountains. when I was told just depressing news after my child was born. no one gave me any postive feedback about sb. my heart just overflows with pride, and I want him to see this and feel it so that he will always hold his head up proudly. outside in the world he might have large mountains to face, but I want him to be able to come home and always feel his worth. for those parents who run off and leave their children they are the ones who have lost.

[lolathechecker]

for those parents who run off and leave their children they are the ones who have lost.

my thoughts exactly. if he is so concerned over such trivial matters as whether or not she'll walk, then he'll do more damage being around than not being around. and he'll never learn what i am learning. you guys and everyone i talk to about sb has changed my entire outlook on life. i used to be concerned about her not walking, but i have since learned that, like kali said, so what? walking and bowel control dont define a person. the person defines the person. i almost feel sorry for him because he will never get that experience or learn that all important life lesson.

[Spokie]

When my son was born - I felt scared, unsure of the future (his and mine). The stresses, bad news and negativity breaking you down.

Now, eight years later, I feel blessed, lucky and special! God has chosen ME to be this child's parent! Wow!! My son is the best thing that has ever happened to me... as Lola said, I sometimes feel sorry for the runaways because of all the wonderful moments they miss out on every day!

[angel]

I think so much of it is fear of what they don't know. My dad and mom are total opposites. My mom the optomist and my dad is the pesimest. I had a 50/50 chance of survival (this was in the late 70's) to my dad that ment i had no chance and let her die in peace. To my mom that ment she has 50 percent chance of being ok lets do the spine closure surgery. My mom was in the hospital recovering and my dad was in a different state at the hospital with me. The surgery to close my spine was done when my mom got there and signed the papers I was 6 days old when it finally got done.
Now let me say my parents are 2 people that should have never gotten together in the first place. It had nothing to do with my birth they were on their way to divorce way before i got here. I think my dad was a little scared of me. Well honestly i think he still is. We are trying to forge a relationship it has been a rocky road. He missed everything that helped me forge the incrediable bond with my mother. I love him he is my dad but i hate that he missed out on everything.

Carla

[chris8258]

I think so much of it is fear of what they don't know. My dad and mom are total opposites. My mom the optomist and my dad is the pesimest. I had a 50/50 chance of survival (this was in the late 70's) to my dad that ment i had no chance and let her die in peace. To my mom that ment she has 50 percent chance of being ok lets do the spine closure surgery. My mom was in the hospital recovering and my dad was in a different state at the hospital with me. The surgery to close my spine was done when my mom got there and signed the papers I was 6 days old when it finally got done.
Now let me say my parents are 2 people that should have never gotten together in the first place. It had nothing to do with my birth they were on their way to divorce way before i got here. I think my dad was a little scared of me. Well honestly i think he still is. We are trying to forge a relationship it has been a rocky road. He missed everything that helped me forge the incrediable bond with my mother. I love him he is my dad but i hate that he missed out on everything.

Carla

I know exactly how you feel.

[Cori808]

I'm a single mom! My daughter is only 19 months old, but I've been a single mom since I was 9 months pregnant. Her father (aka DONOR) decided that he'd rather live a lousy life of drugs and gambling. I found out he was using drugs when I was 7 months pregnant, tried to get him help, but when I was 9 months, he decided it was what he wanted, and I was not about to stick around and raise my daughter with a father like that. It's been really tough, emotionally and physically, but I am pretty proud of myself. I'm a pretty humble person, and rarely give myself praise, but I feel I'm doing a great job. I do have a lot of family support, but as far as the everyday needs of my daughter, I'm pretty much on my own. I gave up my career to be a stay-at-home mom because I have no one to watch her during the hours I worked, I worked the evening hours of 3p-11p because I worked behind the scenes of the evening news. My mom was diagnosed with lymphoma when I was 8 months pregnant, so she wasn't able to sit for me. I'm proud of myself. I walk with crutches, so I've never been able to pick up my daughter and carry her and that's probably been the biggest challenge physically. Most of my challeges are emotional, it's tough without the support of a spouse or partner. Just like any single Mom, I dread the day my daughter asks why she doesn't have a Daddy! Anyway, I've rambled on enough!

[ollieholmes]

Im sorry i have not picked up on this thread before. Im lost for words for men who do that, at the moment im trying to restrain myself from what i think of men like that.

If he is going to be like that you are better off without him. I agree though you should ring him for every last cent you can. We will all support you here, we are like an extended group of freinds here. I know i can come here and feel welcome by everyone.

I cant relate to what its like to bring up these amasing children many of you have but it makes me smile to read the stories people post here. I hope they all achieve their dreams, there is nothing to say they wont so go for it.

Im sure you will find a new partner who will bring up your child with you without any of these problems. It may take a while but there is no shame there. Im sure we will all be happy for you when you can find someone else.

[Spiffynikki]

I am a single mom too. My little girl has spina bifida. I have been on my own since I was three months pregnant. Her "donor" took off to another state so he could "get a better job and pay more child support" (we've never seen a dime in five years). He has met her once, last spring, and made a dozen empty promises. I will tell you this though, in many ways I think it was for the best. He was not emotionally mature enough to travel this road with us and I think that he is the one missing out, not us. I get to be there for the big achievments, for the goals reached, the smiles, the hugs. It isn't easy... I wasn't able to work because I couldn't find special needs child care, so we struggled financially. I am going back to school in the fall when Lily starts full time school, adn the college I am attendng has special needs care, so things are looking up. the man who fathered her may have turned out to be a loser, but I got something so special out of it all, that I would never change any of it for anything.

[angel]

I'm a single mom! My daughter is only 19 months old, but I've been a single mom since I was 9 months pregnant. Her father (aka DONOR) decided that he'd rather live a lousy life of drugs and gambling. I found out he was using drugs when I was 7 months pregnant, tried to get him help, but when I was 9 months, he decided it was what he wanted, and I was not about to stick around and raise my daughter with a father like that. It's been really tough, emotionally and physically, but I am pretty proud of myself. I'm a pretty humble person, and rarely give myself praise, but I feel I'm doing a great job. I do have a lot of family support, but as far as the everyday needs of my daughter, I'm pretty much on my own. I gave up my career to be a stay-at-home mom because I have no one to watch her during the hours I worked, I worked the evening hours of 3p-11p because I worked behind the scenes of the evening news. My mom was diagnosed with lymphoma when I was 8 months pregnant, so she wasn't able to sit for me. I'm proud of myself. I walk with crutches, so I've never been able to pick up my daughter and carry her and that's probably been the biggest challenge physically. Most of my challeges are emotional, it's tough without the support of a spouse or partner. Just like any single Mom, I dread the day my daughter asks why she doesn't have a Daddy! Anyway, I've rambled on enough!


How old is your child? I never planned on being a single mom at 19, although that is the way it worked out. My son's donor is 13 years my senior and more of a child than my 12 year old son is. Of course at that age i was just a stupid kid. We had some really hard times. When he found out my son's problems he said to me and i quote "you selfish bitch i told you not to have him" Well my son won't ever know that he said that because i will never tell him. He wanted to go out and life his life (keep in mind he was in his early 30's at this time. Now that i think of it he was exactly the age i am now) In a funny way though he really got his. I have a wonderful child who does have SBO but i dont' care don't make him any less perfect!!!! As you can see in my photos he is a handsome little guy who i am very proud of and thank god he looks like me and not him lol.
He thought he was living the good life but it is funny how things change. We suffered for a lot of years. We did without a lot of the basic things we needed but we always got through and always had each other. While we were making a life he was out drinking, partying and livin it up. Not paying a dime in child support nor did he want to see his son (the door was always open to him.) Now 12 years later we are doing just fine. All the hard work and doing without has turned around. Now I have a wonderful husband that loves us both. He doesn't do without anymore and neither do I.
He on the other hand is trying to dodge the tens of thousands of dollars he owes me in child support, the court dates, the fact he doesn't have a driver's license because of it. Etc...... Don't sound like such a great life to me. Now the suffering is on him. I had equal part i was there to when this boy was concieved but i have done my part and his since day one and i am the one who has the love of a wonderful child. I am sure that i will never get what he owes us I can live with that because he has to live his life on the run because of his actions. he also has one pissed off kid to face if he ever has the balls to do so, one who doesn't concider him a father at all. I never told him anything bad about him I thought that was just the wrong way to go about it. Now he is old enough to start asking questions and wonder why some dads move heaven and earth to see their kids and his couldn't care less.
He was embarassed by me. he didn't want to look bad for getting the "crippled girl pregnant" he looked like more of an asshole for the way he has treated his child. Some people just don't have a clue!!
I walk with crutches as well and i couldn't pick up my son and carry him either. What i had to do was have someone with us if we went anywhere to carry him for me. When he started walking i bought one of those harneses that had the leash on it. I know they can be demeaning but there was just no other way for us to do it. We made it. The emotional toll it takes on one is tough but you will create a bond together that can't be broken. No matter what my son knows he has me. Your child will feel the same way.


Angel

[LisaJoy]

I think ya'll are amazing!

[naomi6896]

that is AMAZING what a beautiful life, ups downs!!!!!! you have the best of him and he doesn't seem to see that!!!! sad for him but great for you, your son will be a great man and you will be proud that he got that from you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[tonysmom]

I'm a mom w/ spina bifida. I have a 10 yr. Old son w/ a man that i've lived w/ for 18 yrs. I've felt like i have to leave for a very long time but don't know my options because their is no common law in louisiana. Can someone please help me?

[angel]

I just reread some of the things on this thread. I had wrote about my son's father on here and the end to that story is he has now passed away. I found out last weekend and had to tell my son about it monday night. He took the news better than i expected. I think he had always held out hope that one day his father would say "i'm sorry" or at least explain to him why he chose not to be part of his life. Now those questions will never be answered. He will never get an apology for the way he was treated.
To make matters worse we were not notified by his family of his passing. I got a letter from the child support office almost a month after his death. The funeral had already been held so he didn't even get a chance to say goodbye. We don't know how he died yet. His parents I am sure won't tell us as they didn't even tell us he had died. I have to get a death certificate so my son can get the social security benifits due him since he is a minor.
I didn't know how to explain to him what had happened and why he couldn't get the answers to his questions. My sister really helped in that, she told me to tell him that sometimes people run out of time before they get the chance to try and right some of the wrongs in their lives.

Angel

[LisaJoy]

I think your sister gave a wise answer. Your son will probably always wonder "why" and have some hurt feelings over it, but it's important that he really internalize the fact that his FATHER had the problem, not him. Your sister's answer underscores that fact without being critical.

[GODS SON]

Are there adults in here living with spinal Bifida? I will very much like to talk to u and exchange ideas

[angel]

There are many of us!

Angel

[Dodger67]

Yes there are many adults with Spina bifida here. Perhaps you've noticed the "Adults" tab at the top right on the page, thats for the Adults usergroup, you can join on your userpage - there is a short list of usergroups, select Adults.

Please post a proper introduction so that we can all know who you are.

[Canteau24]

Hey if i can do it you can!! Im going to say this without hoping to be judged but i was 16 when i had my son with spina bifida and have raised him on my own until bout 2 eyears ago.. of course my parents helped but i still lived on my own and worked and school and everything ...he has an AMAZING life and is very happy .. you dont need someone that negative to bring your son down or you!

[chrystynaz]

Hi, I am a single mom of 3, my youngest Levi was born with TCS a form of spina bifida. Its not easy at all, but I get through it for all my children. It seems we are always driving to one of his thousands of appointments and I really have no other time for work between my other children and him. Im thankful enough to have great parents who help me out tremendously. Levi has walking issues, pain issues, gait issues, seizure issues, bladder issues.. it could go on and on, but i put all that aside and think of the positive things, him walking, smilling, his curly hair, his bright brown eyes, his mischevious giggle..


Its the small milestones that get you through, Dont ever look to far into the future, and don't ever let the doctors tell you "I don't know" or its highly unlikely... I spend numerous hours doing research so my son will continue to walk, even though his legs are so twisted he has issues standing, we work through it as a family, and my son and I and my girls do very well, despite the fact my sons father also did not want a "messed" up baby... My son is perfect in my eyes. He adapts very unfunctionally to function in his "norm" which works for me, so long that he is happy. .... I hope you get through this, and if you ever need to chat drop me a line sweety!! I have been a single mamma for almost ten years