any other single moms w spina bifida?

[lolathechecker]

so it looks like my husband has bailed on me. now im really freaked out about this whole single mother thing. are any of you guys single moms? or divorced? how much harder does that make it going through it alone?

P.S. that asshole had the audacityto say "i dont want to have a screwed up kid" can you believe that!? sorry. im still venting

[angel]

Hey I have spina bifida and i have told you guys a little about my son. I raised him by myself from day one till a week before his 8th birthday. You are strong i am sure you can do it!!!!
I actually can believe what he said. My son's dad took off way before he was born. He didn't want anyone to know he got the "little handicapped girl pregnant" he was afraid that people would think badly of him. He actually called when my son was about 4 months old and wanted to know all about him. All the good stuff his hair, his eyes, all that he got from him. When i started to tell him about my son's condition he said and i quote "you bitch i told you not to have him" and hung up on me!!!!!!!!!! Thank god all men aren't the same.
If you need a little more encouragement my mom raised me and my brother and sister (i am the only one with SB) alone my entire life (daddy left when i was an infant). It can be done and it can be done well. I am sure we will all be here for you in everyway possible!!!

angel

[Dodger67]

Don't let the asshole get away from his responsibilities!
Make sure you get every cent of financial support thats due!

[Spokie]

Our story is the same, and different. In our case, it's the mom that disappeared off the scene! She left when N was 3 (he has SB) and his plain baby brother was 6mnths. It's 5 years later, and we're still alive and kicking!

As Dodger said: make sure he pays! I made that mistake - thinking it's better to not try and "keep her in the loop" after she deserted them. But the extra cash could have made their lives a little more comfortable...

Anyway - it's times like these when you get to know who your real friends are - and they do assist a lot: even with just a phone call, chats, or baby sitting on those I-need-to-get-out-days. Granny's an angel and helps out where she can.

And you have over 200 friends right here!!

[kali]

must be very hard raising your child by yourself, but your child is probably better off with out the parent who left. You guys are doing a great job...hugggssss as spokie said we are all here for you

[mommy2cnj]

Just remember .... WE are the ones who reap the rewards/benefits. The smiles, the hugs, the reward of seeing something accomplished even if it took a year to do so (and if you ask me, that's even MORE rewarding), your child looking into your eyes and saying "I love you" (and gosh dangit, that one gets me every time hehehe), seeing your child gaining independence on a day-by-day basis, you all know what I'm talking about. We've had rough times here, but oh, what I wouldn't do for these rewards/benefits/things that some individuals never know. Once you think of even ONE of these things, it's makes you go on.....even stronger than before. Some people just aren't as blessed as we are, are they??!!

[angel]

I agree about the child support. I went after it although i never really saw any all these years. He owes me so many thousands of dollars it is unreal. Now he wants to write him off and let my husband adopt him. Of course the conditions are that i pay for it all and that i forgive the arrears!! I haven't decided but i probably will go for it. At least this way i know if something happens to me that my son will be taken care of, taken to the doctor, by someone who understands his condition and cares about his health.

[lolathechecker]

this is quoted from the email i sent him:

you can just stay down there and im not gonna hold it against you. if you are so concerned about what people think then you can tell them i ran off on you or whatever makes you feel better. tell them im a complete bitch and im not letting you see your baby. it doesnt matter to me. i can take care of this baby alone, and you can go on to have normal kids somewhere else with someone whos not "a bitch" im not going to ask you for child support or anything. you are obviously more concerned about trivial things with this baby anyways. who cares if she never walks? she wont care. ive seen some of these kids and they are perfectly happy in their wheelchairs and ive talked to some adults who told me you cant miss doing something you've never done. so what does that matter? and shes not going to be retarded, so its a good thing that we did keep her. but if you dont want her, then i can just keep her and we can pretend none of this ever happened.

he says he feels like he has to come up here because people will think hes an asshole for running off on his kid. he's in south texas and im in northeastern oklahoma. he has been "trying" to come up here for four months.

[angel]

no offense intended but he is an asshole for walking out on you and his kid furthermore that is the LAMEST excuse i have ever heard. What does it matter if the kid can walk or not is he not grown up enough to handle it? As for the "normal" kids SB can be genetic as we all know it can also be enviornmental but one thing i do know is EVERY WOMAN OF CHILD BARING AGE is at risk of having a child with SB. There is nothing wrong with you or your baby. He might want to take a trip to a genetisist (sp)

[Dodger67]

"people will think hes an asshole for running off on his kid"

Well he really doesn't have to worry about that as far as the members of this forum are concerned.

We definitely don't think he is an asshole.

We know he is an asshole!

[lolathechecker]

thank you guys. i have come to the conclusion that i dont need some one who is so concerned about such trivial things. he told me "i cant just push this kid off on you" and i told him shes better off with NO father than a father that never really wanted her. he disagreed with me of course, but he disagrees with everything ive done. he has even tried to blame me for "her condition" because i drink coffee. i drink maybe a cup a week! not that much, and he also told me it was my fault because i drank alcohol once before i knew was pregnant. i know better than that. im not stupid, spina bifida has nothing to do with alcohol!
but he has been so childish about this whole thing and ive decided that im just going to let go completely and stop answering his phone calls, emails, etc.

[lolathechecker]

He didn't want anyone to know he got the "little handicapped girl pregnant" he was afraid that people would think badly of him. He actually called when my son was about 4 months old and wanted to know all about him. All the good stuff his hair, his eyes, all that he got from him. When i started to tell him about my son's condition he said and i quote "you bitch i told you not to have him" and hung up on me!!!!!!!!!! angel

thats exactly how he has been behaving towards me.

[angel]

parents are absoultly the KEY to a child's mental health. I was with my son in the hospital and was outside when i was talking to a man who's daughter has sb and she was in the hospital. Anyway he looked at my hand and in total amaizement said YOUR MARRIED!!!! I said yeah. He said I can't believe you actually found someone to marry you. I was not insulted i get crap comments like this all the time what did bother me was HIS DAUGHTER HAS IT and she was only 10 years old. The only thing i could think of to say was please tell me you don't say things like that to your daughter. If you do she doesn't stand a chance!!!! There is enough negative that goes along with sb kids need parents that focus on all the positive aspects of thier lives and not the negative. If the parents do this then the kids will grow up thinking hey this isn't so bad no reason not to go out and conqure the world!!!!

[kali]

hi angel, I cant believe that man said that to you and he has a daughter with sb. things like that hit deep. to be honest when I look at my son, I wonder why people think its such a horrible thing sb. a person who cannot walk. so what! a person who has bladder and bowel problems...so what...those are not the things that make a person. engrave this into your child, and he will grow up thinking he is no different, it will give him the confidence to become what ever he wants. my son wants to be as doctor...good for you., I tell him to reach for your dreams you can do it. yesterday he brought his report card home (he is in grade 3) his report card average was 97% top of his class. dont mean to brag, but I am so proud of him. smiles

[angel]

I totally agree. My mother never let my sb define me or what i could be or what or who i could have. I grew up believing i am no different and deserve exactly what i want but i was also given the understanding that i have to work for it just like anyone else. I am married to a wonderful man he is not disabled. When i told him about the incident i spoke of in that earlier post he said "I just don't see what the big deal is" He truly doesn't see what the big deal is he sees me and that is it.
My son wants to be an astronemer (i can't spell lol) and has wanted to be for years. We have fed this desire and i hope that he does continue. He already knows that he is going to college. I am pushing that one because as my mom told me when you get 18 it is time to fly on your own!!!! He also brought home a good report card. He always has. Now we are entering the teen phase i hope it continues.

[kali]

You sound like an awesome mother!! I also believe in pushing my son towards his dreams. but they must work hard just as everyone else. so happy you have a great husband. sometimes men just are not as emotional as us women. huggsss, as for me I understood how you felt. I pray my son when he grows up he also will find love and marriage, I cant imagine how the girls will resist his charm and glowing personality...ha and lol, now I am bragging again. my son means the world to me!!!

[angel]

Tell that boy to shoot for the stars i doubt the girls will be able to resist him :D

[Spokie]

...now I am bragging again. my son means the world to me!!!

We as parents just can't help it, can we?

I've seen the same thing being said in more than one thread. We are proud of them!! Everything they accomplish, no matter the time frame, is another step forward, one step closer to their being independent one day. They have this way of finding a special spot in your heart, and not just in their parents', but everyone they meet!

So,

To all the single-parents of children with SB: We are the lucky ones! The runaways will never understand or know what they're missing out on!!!

[kali]

spokie ...you made me start crying like a baby! your words expressed my exact feelings. we are so proud of our children especially when we see them climb mountains. when I was told just depressing news after my child was born. no one gave me any postive feedback about sb. my heart just overflows with pride, and I want him to see this and feel it so that he will always hold his head up proudly. outside in the world he might have large mountains to face, but I want him to be able to come home and always feel his worth. for those parents who run off and leave their children they are the ones who have lost.

[lolathechecker]

for those parents who run off and leave their children they are the ones who have lost.

my thoughts exactly. if he is so concerned over such trivial matters as whether or not she'll walk, then he'll do more damage being around than not being around. and he'll never learn what i am learning. you guys and everyone i talk to about sb has changed my entire outlook on life. i used to be concerned about her not walking, but i have since learned that, like kali said, so what? walking and bowel control dont define a person. the person defines the person. i almost feel sorry for him because he will never get that experience or learn that all important life lesson.

[Spokie]

When my son was born - I felt scared, unsure of the future (his and mine). The stresses, bad news and negativity breaking you down.

Now, eight years later, I feel blessed, lucky and special! God has chosen ME to be this child's parent! Wow!! My son is the best thing that has ever happened to me... as Lola said, I sometimes feel sorry for the runaways because of all the wonderful moments they miss out on every day!

[angel]

I think so much of it is fear of what they don't know. My dad and mom are total opposites. My mom the optomist and my dad is the pesimest. I had a 50/50 chance of survival (this was in the late 70's) to my dad that ment i had no chance and let her die in peace. To my mom that ment she has 50 percent chance of being ok lets do the spine closure surgery. My mom was in the hospital recovering and my dad was in a different state at the hospital with me. The surgery to close my spine was done when my mom got there and signed the papers I was 6 days old when it finally got done.
Now let me say my parents are 2 people that should have never gotten together in the first place. It had nothing to do with my birth they were on their way to divorce way before i got here. I think my dad was a little scared of me. Well honestly i think he still is. We are trying to forge a relationship it has been a rocky road. He missed everything that helped me forge the incrediable bond with my mother. I love him he is my dad but i hate that he missed out on everything.

Carla